Car Seat Struggles
I got a question recently from a parent: “How do I get my child in the carseat without a power struggle each time?”
This is a phenomenal question and one that I used to get weekly when I was working in the clinic with school-aged children. The problem is: this is a non-negotiable due to safety, and children know it is non-negotiable and therefore, it is a great opportunity for them to test limits while also exerting their autonomy. I have personally dealt with this as well with my son, so please know I am speaking from professional and personal experience!
I am going to share with you two of my favorite articles on how to handle issues like this utilizing both playfulness AND respect. Please read through these when you get a few moments and really think through them with an open mind!
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/01/car-seat-tantrums-handled-with-respect/
https://visiblechild.wordpress.com/2015/03/15/car-seat-madness/
So- what exactly is my “method” I utilize and recommend to parents? Starting around 10 months is when my son began to resist the carseat. Fair warning: this does take some commitment and consistency on your end, parents! The most important part? Try as hard as you possibly can to stay calm in what you are doing, but also CONFIDENT and CONNECTED to your child as you get them buckled in.
1. Pick a day when you and your child are both in good spirits and do not have anything else scheduled on the calendar.
2. Carry or walk your child to the car and right before you place them in the seat you will calmly and confidently STATE, “It’s time to get buckled into your car seat. We are going to do this a little bit differently today. I am going to place you in your seat (or “you are going to get into your seat”) and I will buckle you. I won’t let you do xyz (the things they normally do). Are you ready? Ok. Please sit in your seat so I can buckle you.”
a. If they refuse to get in on their own (which they probably will), you are going to let them know that you are now going to help.
3. This is when the “power struggle” typically starts -- but you are going to remove it! If they struggle before you can get them in their seat, stop trying to put them in, hold them calmly and say, “I can wait. Let me know when you’re ready to get in your seat.” And you wait. You don’t let them down. Try as hard as you can to keep them focused on the task at hand. Do not let them play with your hair or fidget with the lights -- the task is getting in the seat.
4. Once they have stopped “struggling” or say they are ready, put them in. When they begin to resist, which they probably will -- repeat step 3 and WAIT. Patience. Wait. Restate the phrases above.
a. If they are attempting to stand or climb around the car, you GENTLY restrain them, and bring them back to the task at hand: getting buckled. You do NOT let them climb out of the seat and anytime they stand up or turn around you help them sit back down. All while saying, “I won’t let you do xyz. It is time to get buckled. This is to keep you SAFE. Now I will help you sit down. Let me know when you are ready, I can wait. No, I won’t let you play. It is not time to play, it is time to get buckled. This is to keep you SAFE.”
If the struggle escalates, take them out and repeat as above.
You are setting a firm, compassionate, loving limit. You are calm and collected but you do not allow any of the things they normally do to avoid the car seat. You keep their attention focused on the task.
You are NOT letting them climb around the car, jump in their seat, etc. while you wait for them to sit down. You are physically preventing that behavior. This is not the time to be permissive. They need a clear signal from you that this is different.
5. Repeat as many times as necessary. I have rarely heard of this lasting longer than 30 min (I have lost count of how many parents I’ve coached through this, the longest it lasted was 45 min), but the reason you do this on a good day, where you have no where to be, no time constraints, with a “full cup”, is so that you actually CAN wait for them to be ready, and make the choice themselves. This isn’t about using force, it’s about giving them the time and space and opportunity to be cooperative. To trust that, at the end of the day, they WANT to cooperate with you, even your very strong willed children.
6. In the midst of this, you’ll likely need to validate and empathize. You can do so with compassion and authenticity, while still holding the limit firm. “You don’t want to get in the car seat. It’s uncomfortable, I know. Hmmm.” Pause… “Let me know when you’re ready…” Etc.
7. Once they are buckled you can say, “Great! You’re all buckled! Now we can go!”
8. And now close the door, take a deep breath, mentally pat yourself on the back, hop in the drivers seat and go somewhere fun, even if it’s just the Starbucks drive-through!
9. Repeat as needed. It will likely never take as long as it did the first time, and most families I work with tell me they only need to do this once or twice.
I hope this is helpful for anyone who has children who resist the carseat. Please let me know if you need more guidance on this and I would be happy to walk you through some brainstorming and problem-solving steps to ensure you see success and get your little ones safe!
-Kayla Bruccoleri, OTR/L